I live in an extremely "gentrified" neighborhood, which as far our story is concerned, means that the closest grocery store to me is a Whole Foods. Whole Foods is one of those gourmet, granola-for-rich-people places that evokes snide, Marxist thoughts in me, while I make my purchases alongside the very bourgeoisie and nobility that I am snidely, marxistly thinking about. This in turn produces a poisonous black hole of mixed emotions & muddy ideas from which I only escape burdened with a sackful of EdenFoods products, readymade sushi, and sundry other non-necessities. One section of WF that has not tarnished, jaded, bitten, or scared me in any way, however, is the cheese department.
How, you ask, can I be unharmed by perusing the WF cheese section? After all, it's the most extravagant & outrageously priced section in the whole g.d. store! The truth is, I am released from the afflictions and internal class warfare that lie latent in the WF cheese department by virtue of its one saving grace: the free sample platters. Oh yes.
The WF cheese samples are cut into very generous cubes, piled high, and hygenically enclosed in a clear plastic bell lid, with a little window for picking. They provide free toothpicks. Morning or evening, they never run out. It is a cheese taster's dream--with one exception. They NEVER change the cheeses being sampled. It's the same quintet, every time I go: French gouda, gruyere, goat gouda, Canadian cheddar, parrano. Every time, like stations at a science fair, only with more religious automation, I go: gouda, gruyere, goat gouda, cheddar, parrano. Of course, I destroy my cheese taster's cred by not remembering anything about these cheeses--I can't remember which one has the creamier flavor, which one's crunchier with a nutty taste--just their holy procession: gouda, gruyere, goat gouda, cheddar, parrano. A cube of each, as I make my rounds, trying to decide if I *really* need some turbinado sugar, or artisan bread, or Soy Delicious (the answer, usually, is "yes"). Don't tell any WF managers, but sometimes I take more than one cube. It's hard work being appalled at inflated prices and shelves dripping with yuppie self-righteousness, so I need the calories!
OK, so why don't the cheeses, and they're expensive and extravagant, piss me off, while the rest of the store does? I'll tell you: I'VE NEVER BOUGHT CHEESE THERE!! You see? You see the beauty of it? I've helped myself to what must be approaching a running total of 1/4 lb. or so of free cheese, and I've never bought an ounce! This probably smacks of hypocrisy, theft, and the kind of assholery I claim to despise, and that's probably accurate. Rest assured that the real winner of this game is still WF, not me, since I still spend too much there, and I haven't reconciled my conflicting philosophies in this matter--but leave me the satisfaction, false though it may be, that I'm getting something for nothing. Let me ogle the beautiful cheeses at WF, never to purchase one, somehow placated by the absurd, toothpick-strewn merry-go-round of gouda, gruyere, goat gouda, cheddar, parrano.
