I have been wanting to contribute to the Nacho diary, but haven’t because, truth be told, I never order nachos in restaurants. There are numerous reasons for this. First, I live in Texas, where Tex-Mex rules the plate. It is true that things are big in Texas, and that adage applies heavily to Mexican restaurant servings ‘round these parts. Knowing that a five pound platter of beans, meat, cheese, and sauce are on their way to my belly, I know better than to order an appetizer on top of that, lest I leave the restaurant with a fat tummy and diarrhea an hour later. Second, when an appetizer is in order (i.e. not at fucking Chuy’s, home of the enormous plate of calorie-laden heaven), I opt for that of the deep-fried potato oeuvre. But mostly, it is because nachos, whether procured from a classic Mexican-American lard pit or your neighborhood sports bar, unfailingly feature a large quantity of those slimy, fart-flavored pickled jalapenos.
The jalapeno is a glorious pepper, not to be cheapened and tossed around like a butter pickle on a third-rate burger. Anyone who has access to these gems and who has used them to make homemade salsa knows that a fresh, hotter-than-hell jalapeno creates flavor magic that makes comida Mexicana get up and polka. The mass-produced, canned jalapeno, omnipresent on all things called “Nacho,” frankly reminds me of high school football stadiums. For one dollar, you can feed your face with salty, perhaps stale, tortilla chips (fried in one of the “evil oils” like cottonseed or palm oil), a microwaved dollop of canned “nacho cheese” (insert racist joke here) and a latex-gloved handful of those green booger-hued monsters, dripping with their own foul brine. All served gloriously in one of those paper “boats.” Oh, we’ve all seen this artery-busting monstrosity. It smells like the driver’s seat cushion of your fat uncle’s Buick, and yet you accept this as nachos! Disgusting!
Another great nacho violation is the flagrant price-gouging surrounding guacamole. Most places tack on an extra two or three bucks for the stuff, which may or may not come from real avocados. Most likely, it is frozen “Cal-Avo” green avocado whip, which is thin and filled with unholy preservatives and salt. Any moron with a DSL connection can do a Google search on “wholesale avocado prices” and know that the few tablespoons of green goo add up to nothing but a vehicle for greed and profiteering. Guacamole is not alloy wheels or an automatic sunroof: it should not be a pricey option for the nacho consumer! Guacamole should come standard and not be used as a pawn to eke a few extra bucks from your wallet.
So until sw can find me a plate of nachos made with the freshest chips, the most flavorful real jalapenos, and heaping spoonfuls of real, chunky guacamole, I am afraid I will have to play Waldorf and/or Statler to the very idea of nacho consumption. I feel that nachos can be done better at home, with a bag of Tostitos Gold, some real ingredients, and the absence of tacky faux-Latin knickknacks and/or beer-swilling sports fans looking for pussy. Just sayin’.
Editorial disclaimer: The above opinions regarding jalapenos do not reflect the beliefs of the creator of this website. I'm with her on the guacamole price-gouging, however.
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